Monday, April 09, 2007

My Celebrity Look-alikes

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

An Icarus Daydream

A while back I was walking along listening to a reborn modern classical piece on my discman when I reached the top of a hill I had to walk down. As I was doing so the sun fought through the dark, miserable rain cloud. As it did sun beams hit the watery patches on the ground and lit them up in a somewhat beautiful and awing manner. I was suddenly in a daydream, and at that moment I had taken a couple of hops and glided into the air, I flew down the hill and amongst the buildings. The feeling I had was overwhelming, a sense of freedom and joy, I wondered for a moment in my day dream, how Icarus felt when he and his father took to the sky, the moment when the foolishness entered his heart to fly higher, the foolishness in my heart when I awoke from my day dream. For a brief moment I was free, nothing to hold me back, nothing to stand in my way, to feel the wind on my face as I soared high up to the heavens. I realise now, it was my heart and soul, they are free and they continue to soar, and with that knowledge I can do anything.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Long, but some things take a long time to explain.

So welcome to my greatest scar.

You see some scars never heal properly, it's something that we have to live and deal with.It's these scars that make us healthy, keep us going.

Never give up, never look back and wish for a better tomorrow, make your tomorrow better.

Past Love

As I listen to The Very Best Of Al Green I am flooded/bombarded by a wave of memories and emotions. Al Greens music seemed to compliment my feelings for a girl I used to know, a girl I was proud to call my own. Her name is Rachel. It's hard to forget Rachel, she's beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, sexy, so basically what a lot of people are looking for in a partner, almost perfect!
I always look for a connection between myself and a possible partner, who doesn't? The connection that Rachel and I had shared was something very new to me. Sure, before Rachel I had known what it was like to feel the comfort of another persons touch, but this was different. It was, and still is, the only proper relationship I have had.

When we were able to see each other it was the best time of my life, well apart from a couple of times when some things happened. But I won't bore you with such details.
I can still remember our last time with each other, it's something I can't seem to forget. Parts I wish would never haunt my memories.

I'll give you a little background information before I let you in on one of the most painful experiences of my life.
Rachel and I live miles apart from each other. If I traveled by train it would take me ruffly over 3 hours to be with her. By coach, add another 2 hours or so. The only time we could spend with each other was over the weekends due to work and distance. We did have plans to book time off and spend some real quality time together. Those plans were never to be.
We kept our relationship going like anyone else who has had a lond distance relationship. We would chat via emails and long conversations over the phone. It was through a rather heated email and later that night an emotional phone call that the spanner fell into the works.

Perhaps my jealousy didn't help much, but sometimes it's just to hard not to become jealous.
I sent an email a day before I was going to be meeting up with Rachel, to make sure that the plans we had made were still on; that I was hers for the whole weekend. With my ticket all booked she told me that she had already made plans with a male friend of hers. This gave me only Sunday to see her before going back home for work on Monday morning.

Now to some people this would seem a little petty of me, to get upset and jealous over this. Well the thing is, I never told you about how I met Rachel, and about her male friend!

I had reached a low point in my life when it came to love, I didn't know if I would ever find someone I would want to be with.
So for over a month before I met Rachel I decided to join a online dating agency , the type that promises you a chance of love.
After the first month of getting no where, never seemingly worth a look at, I strongly considered giving up. I had to make my mind up whether to carry on or not. So I slapped down some more money and continued my search. My luck didn't change and I still didn't have any interested parties. It was coming close to the end of my second month when I met Rachel. We hit it off instantly. We would chat everyday within the confined of the site. After a couple of weeks it was time to pursue a chance with a girl I came to love. Shortly after constantly talking to each other we decided to meet up, our first date!
We were going to meet up on Friday, to see if the sparks carried on, and if so we would spend the weekend getting to know each other even more so. We were both a little fragile from past relationships, so we were going to test the water. After a few days of searching for a place to stay near by to Rachel, I finally found a lovely little B&B, a 10 minute train journey from her.
When I reached the B&B I got a phone call from Rachel saying that she wasn't feeling very well, but she assured me that she would be ok the next day to meet up. That night felt like it was going to last forever. If you remember what it was like when you were a child at Christmas, waiting to wake and open all the presents that Santa had brought you, that's how I felt, as well as being nervous. Feeling a little down from not being able to meet Rachel that day I found a small local pub to drown my sorrows, and outside my room smoking too many cigarettes it was time to turn in. The next day I awoke to a cold but beautiful morning I washed, packed and ran to the station. Within 10 minutes I was waiting on the platform waiting for the unknown. My heart was beating so hard when we finally met, I wasn't sure if she was going to feel the same way. We went off to catch a bus into town chatting, mainly about my journey. The bus arrived and we found a couple of seats, unfortunately not next to each other. I was so nervous that I couldn't look her in the face for more than a second. Rachel eased my mind by giving me the sweetest kiss I had ever experienced.

That day we went all around town looking in shops and getting on so well. I couldn't believe my luck, I had finally met a wonderful girl who liked me for who I was. The date seemed ruined as her ex boyfriend would constantly phone her. I was in a strange situation, what to say, what to do? I didn't feel it was my place to tell her to tell her boyfriend to leave her alone. After a while she could tell it was getting to me and so the next time he phoned her up she told him where to go. Yet again she was able to ease my mind as she snuggled up to me and kissing me.

And that's how it all began.

Now I'll tell you about her male friend. His name is Doug, who I later found out was on the same dating site. She became friends with him but told me that he wasn't her type, that they were just friends. Everytime I left her I missed her so much, but a day didn't go past when we didn't chat. But in the end her emails and phone calls would always include the mentioning of Doug. She would tell me all about how she had had a great time with Doug, all the things that they got up to. This is when I started to become jealous. Doug lived quite close to Rachel, plus he had the added bonus of being able to drive. I was starting to feel pushed to one side. I had told her that I didn't really want to hear about Doug and the things that they got up to. She was a little taken aback by that. But I told her it was because he was able to spend more time with her than myself. It started to really get to me when everything, it seemed, when I phoned her up I could hear Doug in the background. I was really starting to miss her and even more so when New Years came upon us. I wasn't able to get up to see her due to lack of funds. She told me it was ok, that she had a work party on and that she wasn't sure if I would have been able to go anyway. I later found out that she went with Doug.

Now we are coming to the end of the story.

As you can probably guess the male friend that she had made plans to meet up with when I was going to meet her was Doug. At this point my jealousy got the better of me. I couldn't understand how she could have forgotten about me coming up to see her and make other plans. The thing that really got me was that she made no mention of cancelling her plans with Doug. I left it after she sent me an email back saying it wasn't really working, because of the distance. But she said it was probably because she hadn't seen me for two weeks. So I agreed that I would come up and see her on the Sunday. And that's where I left it, I didn't reply to her last email, mainly from shock but also I didn't know what to say. That night I planned to get drunk and try to forget my pain and fears. My plans came to a stand still when Rachel would constantly phone me and leave messages. I gave in and answered to the sound of her sobbing, I had tears in my eyes as I said I don't want the Sunday to be the last I ever saw of her. She finally told me lets just see what happens. We left it there until Sunday.

When I saw Rachel she flew into my arms and we stood there holding each other not wanting to let go. We spent the whole day together and it was like before, amazing! It was getting late so we went back to hers. We were in her room and everything was going well, that was until she pulled away from me and said she couldn't do it anymore. The question that I had had running through my mind for the past week was are you seeing Doug. She told me she wasn't, she was just finding the distance factor too hard. I had already set myself up on the sofa downstairs where I remained until morning when I had to catch my train home. After leaving Rachel and standing on the platform, my heart in shreds and listening to my stereo, that's when it finally sunk in that it was all over. I tried to hold back my tears as there was a lot of people on the platform. I didn't cry until I got home from work after being numb all day.

After a couple of weeks I was finally able to chat to Rachel, I had ignored any mail or phone calls up to that point. When I saw her on messenger I noticed that her name on there was I Love My Dougal. I asked did she mean Dougal from the magic roundabout, I didn't want to face what I already knew. Rachel and Doug were finally an item, and only after a couple of weeks of us breaking up. That's what hurt me the most, being right all along, being lied to, being replaced so quickly.

I never spoke to her again after that, it's too hard and the scar still hurts to this day.

I just thought I would share this with you all, something some can relate to, know that you're not the only one.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Thursday, December 15, 2005

My Beacon

Have you ever wanted to own a piece of heaven?
Well for me I do, as I have you.
No longer with the need to see the beauty of the stars;
Because I can simply look into your eyes.
When I do, it's like travelling through time, getting lost.
But you always bring me back with your smile and heart
My beacon!
You are the lighthouse on my shore.
Ever guiding me back to you
Watching and making sure no harm comes back to me.

An old friend

As I stood and watched a creature having problems keeping its eyes open
The sense of death filled the space between us.
Waiting for the moment to act, to end life.
I could not help but remember an old friend of mine.
How he was just lying there with only the strength to look around
With fear of not being able to move.
Wanting to, but to fail every time.
My eyes start to water; my mouth runs dry.
All I can remember is watching my old friends eyes,
Scared and unsure; trying to focus on something To give him courage.
I could not speak but wanted to say I would always love him,
To assure him that everything was going to be fine.
But still with the knowledge that he would soon be gone.
I awoke to find that he had gone, only to be seen with my inward eye.
Tears soon followed.
My eyes started to burn and I could feel the warmth of my tears
As they ran down my face and to the ground.
Why did he have to go I screamed to my soul?
My heart broken.
I still look at a photo of him and remember the times
where we shared each other’s company.
The warm and cold days of life;How fragile.
As I look at the photo my eyes well up;
And my tears once again hit the ground.
Forever to be missed by a family
who has lost a part of them.
I wrote this quite some time ago while remembering my dog Blaise who had to be put down on new years day this year.

No Title

Your entrancing gaze beckons me closer to you
I cannot break free of a spell that I wish never to be broken.
All the while as the space between your eyes and myself gets smaller
Everything around you disappears.
All I can see are your beautiful eyes and your soul
Smiling and calling to me through them.
Soon our eyes are inches away from each other,
I find the courage to break free of them so I may see your beautiful face.
I cannot resist but to stroke your cheek and taste your lips
Soft and smooth I kiss your lips, another spell has been cast.
I am able to pull away to see you smile, as sweetly as an angel
And our eyes dance together as we share the joy of the embrace.
I now know that I will never forget that moment,
when the worldStopped and you were mine.